The First Amendment — A Modest Proposal

This highlights the insanity of Massachusetts gun laws with a bit of satire.

A Modest Proposal

Whereas the real danger to the people lies not within the Second Amendment, but the First Amendment, which allows the NRA and its minions to spout vicious pro-gun rhetoric designed to keep the population agitated and armed, I propose the following common-sense legislation.

Article 1 – Licensing. The governing authority (the State) may issue permits for free speech in one of three categories:

Class C: Free speech within the home (the Freespeech Identity card, or FID). This level of licensing allows the hold er to say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, on his own property, provided that it does not leave the premises of the license holder.

Class B: Free speech at authorized public gatherings. This level of licensing allows the holder to speak publicly at State authorized events, subject to pre-approval of content and continuous monitoring of speech to ensure that common-sense rules are being followed. Large-capacity speech (longer than about 10 minutes) is not permitted at this level of licensing.

Class A: Free speech, period. This level of licensing is only authorized for individuals who have been deemed worthy of free speech by the State, and can be revoked at any time if the individual is charged with thought-crime or speaking against the majority opinion as determined by the State. Speech that is not designated by the State as “subversive” (such as sports conversations, grocery lists and complaints about the weather) is not covered by Article 1.  Only subversive speech, as defined by the State, shall be covered by Article 1. Subversive topics and opinions are determined by a secret panel of judges, are not published, and are subject to change from time to time as the need arises.
Ignorance of the criteria for defining subversive speech is no excuse. The governing principle is: If in doubt, don’t say it.

Article 2 – Punishment and Corrective Measures
1. Violation of licensing permissions shall be a Class 1 Thought Error, corrected by not less than 1 year and not more than 10 years in the State Reeducation Facility.
2. Repeat offenders may be subject to permanent relocation in long-term State Reeducation Facilities, at the discretion of the State.

Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Why do I need a license for free speech? Isn’t it a Constitutional right?
A: This is just common sense. After all, there have to be some limits, right? We can’t have just any old citizen going around shouting “Fire! Fire!” in a crowded theater, and that someone just might be you! This law is designed to protect us all.

Q: How do I get a license to practice free speech?
A: That varies from State to State. If your State Free Speech Officer deems you worthy of free speech, of good character and mild disposition, you might be able to get a license within one year of application (subject to background checks, surveillance and interrogation of neighbors, ex-wives and political enemies). If you are suspected of disaffection to the State or of petty thought crimes you may find that process takes longer

Q: What about free speech in the home? Can I say whatever I want there?
A: Each licensed Citizen has the legal responsibility to prevent unauthorized persons from hearing it. If you have letters, essays, writings or recordings of unauthorized free speech, you are required to keep them under lock and key. As for actual “speech” (as in spoken words) be advised that recording devices,
phone taps and such can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Q: I won’t stand for this! How can I protest this insane infringement on my Constitutional right to free speech?
A: There you go again, bitching about “infringement.” This is just common sense, and you are hereby deemed unworthy to ask that question. Please report for reeducation immediately.

2 Replies to “The First Amendment — A Modest Proposal”

  1. Loved your modest proposal. I’m considering including this in a future Michigan Open Carry Newsletter, with attribution and your permission of course. Let me know. Thanks for the read.

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